July 6, 2021

SHENAE GRIMES-BEECH

I’M SCARED…

Reading:

Full disclosure, I’m writing this in real time and posting immediately.

I’ll be 34 weeks pregnant in a couple of days and my body is begging me to slow the fuck down, but I’m hustling to get as much work done as possible so I can give myself a few weeks off once baby boy is here. There’s no maternity leave when you’re self-employed and I am one demanding boss to myself! Between weekly YouTube videos, daily Instagram content and now, the addition of weekly podcast episodes, I’m spread thin. Weekly blog posts have been hard to keep up with, so if you see me posting on here less frequently in the next couple of months, keep up with me on my other platforms!

Because this post is going up immediately after writing it, what’s to follow will be even more unfiltered than usual…if that’s possible! LOL It’s also because my only intention behind writing about this is to get it out of my system. I cried yesterday. Like hard, ugly face, snotty nose cried, because I’m scared. I hope that by writing this down here and getting it out into the world, maybe it will release some of the fear I’ve been holding in for months.

My first birth experience did not go as planned. I had a relatively smooth pregnancy, thank God. It was a blessing from above, 100%. No major issues, no health problems for me or baby, no big hiccups along the way. When it came time to give birth, I really had no concerns that anything but exactly what I envisioned for my baby’s arrival into this world would happen. Silly me. I had a “birth plan”. Two printed copies of it, to be exact. I had my ambient lighting, my curated playlist for my portable speaker, my doula and husband helping me through contractions and my beloved epidural when the pain became too much. It was go time and for a while, it was all unfolding the way I thought it would, until things took a turn about 18 hours in…

I got to 6cm dilated and stayed there for a while. Then I went to 5, then nearly 4. Wait a minute. Did I say that backwards? Surely, things were supposed to be progressing, not regressing. The doctor informed me that I was swelling. They maneuvered me into different positions to try to naturally combat the swelling, but nothing was working. At that point my contractions were coming through in full force and I begged them to up my epidural, which was now wearing off. A handful of extra nurses rushed in alongside my doctor and I knew something was happening. She informed me that they couldn’t up my epidural because I needed to have a full spinal block for a c-section immediately and the anesthesiologist was waiting outside my door to head into the OR…

A c-section?! Hold on! You mean the surgery where you lie exposed on a metal table while they cut you open and pull a human, alongside several organs, out of your body while you’re behind a curtain wide a-fucking-wake?! No thanks!

I was informed that I had no choice. My water had been broken for 18 hours and risk of infection was increasing by the minute. It was happening now or I could wait until this became an emergency that put me and my baby at risk.

The only “surgery” I’d ever had was getting my wisdom teeth out. I’m a scaredy cat by nature and avoided doing things that could lead to injury my entire life. I’d never broken a bone. Hell, I’d only ever gotten stitches once in my life! I could sense the gravity of the situation and pressure mounting by the medical staff awaiting my green light so through the heaviest sobs I’ve ever cried, I said, “okay, let’s do this.”

They carted me off and my terrified husband followed with our belongings. We hadn’t even considered the possibility of a c-section. I had not mentally prepared myself for this moment in the slightest and I don’t do well without preparation. To ease my nerves, I narrated the surgery. I was numb, of course, but if you’ve ever been locally numbed while awake you know that you still have sensation, it’s just not painful. I could feel tugging. I knew the scalpel was cutting me open. Again, it didn’t hurt, but I was aware it was happening. This went on for about 15 minutes. The doctors working their magic, my husband trying not to panic at what he was seeing behind the curtain and me, narrating away like it was some sort of sports event. Finally, it was time to pull the baby out. My doula had warned me that while this part also wouldn’t hurt, I would feel an intense pressure when it happened. Not to panic, this was normal. My doctor said, “Okay Shenae, you ready? Daddy, get the camera ready.” Then, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. I told them. She touched wherever she had touched before and said, “Here?” I felt it again. “Yes! There!”

The anesthesiologist raised his voice to command everyone to stop exactly where they were. “Do not pull that baby out!” He called someone to urgently order more drugs. That’s when I started to lose consciousness.

At first, I think I fainted because of the panic I heard in his voice. Then, I was fainting because of blood loss. I spent the next hour in and out of consciousness.

Luckily, I was awake when I heard my baby girl cry for the first time. That eye lock with my husband, as the most beautiful sound we’d ever heard drowned out the room, was the most intense moment of love I’ve ever experienced.

He looked up over the curtain and said to me, “I see her! She’s here!” I asked, “Is she okay?” He said with a smile and tears in his eyes, “She’s perfect.” I calmly said, “Okay, I love you both.” With that, I was gone again.

I thought I was dying. From the tone in my voice, he thought I was dying, too.

I spent the next however long in and out of consciousness, profusely shaking, waking up to think I was going to throw up, losing all feeling in my arms, then losing consciousness again. The doctor had instructed my husband to hold the baby close to my face, so I knew she was there and would hang on and fight to stay awake. I had no fight. At one point, they tried to put the baby on my chest to keep me awake, but I couldn’t feel my arms and shouted at them to take her off because I was terrified I would drop her. They did. I was gone again.

Some time later, I rolled my head over to look at the ceiling and it felt as though the life washed back into my face. I suddenly felt fine. I was a person again, not just a body. I smiled until I noticed the blood splattered on the ceiling and operating light. I tend to have an affinity for the dramatics and the past hour and a half had been such a blur, so I thought maybe what had just happened was somewhat in my head until I saw that. Some shit had most definitely just gone down.

Once I made it into the recovery room, high as a kite holding this beautiful little creature of mine next to my pale-faced, traumatized-but-staying-incredibly-strong-for-us husband, my doctor came to fill me in on what happened. She said I had a tear in my something-or-other and a rip in my whats-it-called. Not a clue what any of that was or meant, but me and baby were safe and healthy, so I tried my best to give too many shits about how it all came to be.

Now, as I gear up for another birth, all that trauma I had pushed out of my head is rushing back into my body.

I was in and and out of consciousness, but my body was present the entire time. She knows what’s up and she’s signalling my brain to be mentally prepared for the unpredictability of what’s to come in just a few weeks, as I hadn’t been able to be prepared the last time.

I am electing to have a c-section again, per my doctor’s advice. They feel that since my body responded to labor the way it did last time, it would very likely respond the same way, so a VBAC is not my best option. I’m not sure I buy that, to be honest, but being in a new state with a doctor I don’t know and no doula to comfort and advocate for me this time is making me think a c-section is the best option for me. I want to control and minimize risk as much as possible and a planned, routine surgery feels like the safest bet. I could be wrong, but if you think I am, please keep it to yourself. I’m burdened with enough stress and fear right now as it is.

I am scared as hell. I’m scared of another month of my body telling me no while I push forward to take care of my work responsibilities and my rambunctious toddler. I’m scared of going through a c-section again and not knowing what could go wrong at any moment. I’m scared of enduring another brutal recovery from this intense surgery, only this time with a toddler at home who doesn’t understand what the hell is going on because she just wants her mommy to play with her. I’m scared. And now, I’m crying again as I type so I’ll leave it there with a big thank you for giving me the space to share…

Thank you for seeing me, listening to me and supporting me and the work I create…this community means more to me than you could possibly know. I love you.

  1. Meghan says:

    Just wanted to say shenae you will do amazing! I have had 3 c sections and am pregnant with my 4th and preparing for a 4th c section. This one will be a breeze for you. ❤️ You will be awesome. Make sure to bring a boppy with you. It helps to prop the baby on when feeding after the surgery. Prayers for you.

  2. Nicole says:

    This post made me so emotional! I think it’s incredibly brave of you to share your experience. I also think its really great for other women to hear real life birth experiences. It’s amazing how common it is to give birth but also how uncommon it is to discuss it.

    Recently I gave birth to a new baby girl. At the end of the day, the experience went as smoothly as possible but we had some complications at the end of the pregnancy that had us contemplating various scenarios including what the worst case would be. Your post hit home for me.

    All I can say is… trust your body. It knows what to do. It is the vehicle your baby will use to enter the world. A c-section is not failure but a beautiful act of love that you are giving yourself and your baby. Your body will forgive you for it and you’ll be able to safely hold your baby soon.

    Sending you lots of love from Canada <3

  3. Cynthia Hacker says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I just want to say all will go well with your surgery and welcoming you baby boy. I just had my second and have a girl the same age as your daughter and let me tell your hubby will continue to be your rock. Just know we had similar first delivery experience and the second time we easier. Also my water broke in the middle of the night of my scheduled csection. I did get a doctor on call so didn’t think of that either. Just wanted to share.

  4. Jenny x says:

    I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. I had a similar birthing story that has traumatized me from wanting to ever go through that again. I also had to be rushed to a c-section and had complications. But goes to show how strong you really are! You will be great! Sending love and prayers!

  5. Stacy Tyson says:

    It’s crazy how our bodies know what our mind doesn’t. I had an EM C-Section too (my first). I just want you to know…I hear you, I feel you but most of all I See you.
    xo

  6. Hannah says:

    Reading this I’d love nothing more than to give you a big hug and tell you to try not to worry. My son is about 8-9months older than Bowie. I was induced early due to diabetes which the nurses had missed my entire pregnancy. I remember being told Oscar was going to be a big baby, and that terrified me. I was scared to push because I thought he was going to be 10lb plus and he was going to get stuck. Turns out he was 7lb 11oz and utterly perfect. If your drs think a c section is best trust their judgement and let them guide you and council you to prepare for it. They have your health and your little guys lives in their hands and they do not want anything to happen to either of you. You have every right to be scared it is perfectly natural, you do what is best for you abs what you feel safest doing.
    I’ve just found out I’m expecting my second (I’m only about 7 weeks) but as soon as you see that positive test, the “mummy fear” definitely kicks back in again.
    What you are feeling is normally and you’ll be surprised how thankful people will be for your honesty in this post. People are all too quick to sugar coat pregnancy and birth. It’s fucking hard, and well done for speaking up about it. I certainly admire your honesty
    Much love from the UK, Hannah & Oscar

  7. Louise says:

    I really can’t imagine how traumatic that must have been for you. However, as someone that has endured many traumatic surgeries and recoveries, and someone that knows what it’s like to have a body that remembers all that trauma, no matter how much you think you may have dealt with it, I can totally recommend you trying to have a couple of sessions of microkinestherapy before your planned C-section. You can google it to read up properly, but it’s completely non-invasive and helps to find the source of trauma in your body and to release the memory from the muscle or organ or what have you, so that your body will be better prepared to let you flow through what will happen this time round. Wishing you all the best for the safe arrival of the new buba xx

  8. Lisa S says:

    I had a very similar experience for my first born 5.5 years ago and wasn’t even sure I would ever be ready to have another baby. 16 months ago I had an elective c-section with my second and I cannot express how different the experience was. So calm and panic free. I am a very anxious person and was so scared of my first experience being repeated which is why I chose for something I had more control over. Everything was fine and he is here safe and he is awesome. I wish you all the best and am always willing to listen or offer advice if needed (even though I am a complete stranger!) It is absolutely ok to be anxious and worried – that’s exactly how I felt. It will be great and you will be a fab mum to two awesome babies. Xx

  9. Amber says:

    I had a planned section after my first was delivered by late stage emergency csection. It was honestly the most perfect birth second time round, I still had a birth plan. The music I wanted in theatre, me to hold baby first and to feed there on the table before I was even closed! You can still make it just the way you want it. My planned was so peaceful and calm. Own it and plan what the boys you can. You’ve got this!

  10. Rebecca McKean says:

    You’ve got this birth!! Good luck!

  11. Taylor says:

    I had something very similar happen with my first, though admittedly not as severe. I was terrified going into c-section number 2. I made them promise to numb the crap out of me since my spinal wore off the first time and, if it got bad to just give me enough drugs to knock me out. My advice is know that it’s okay to be terrified and honestly, you’ll be terrified until baby is out and you are safe. Sending so much love, you’ve got this!

  12. April says:

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling! I know these feelings all too well – 3 c-sections down! I can tell you, from experience, the planned c-section will be so much smoother for you all. I promise. Hang in there Mama!

  13. Whitney Clinch says:

    THIS Happened to me as well!!! Not the extra tearing but emergency c section in and out of consciousness not being able to hold my baby for 3 hours from numbness and shaking . My baby came at 38+2 weeks.. I exercised the entire time, baby was head down at 30 weeks.. c-section .. never!! Everyone told me you will rock a vaginal birth so I never expected a c section wasn’t part of my plan either ! I think if it had been planned.. and to have everything ready at home for this type of recovery and to be mentally prepared things could go wonderful. Wishing you the best!

  14. Caitlin says:

    I had a vaginal birth with my first, it ended up being unmedicated (not my intention) so when I got pregnant again I was adamant I wanted to do the same. When we found out it was twins I ended up opting for a csection because it felt like the best way to control a situation I had zero control over. You are the only one who knows what’s right for your body so go with your gut and ignore the opinions of others. I had people very close to me trying to persuade me to try to deliver vaginally, I’m glad I ignored them and trusted my instincts.

  15. Felisa says:

    I had a pretty similar experience with my now 1 month old son. It is terrifying and I had all the same feelings you did. But us mommas are the strongest and fight the hardest for our babies. I believe everything will be fine and you will have a healthy baby boy in a couple of weeks in your arms.

  16. Charity McIntosh says:

    I love this thank you for sharing!! 💜💜💜

  17. Jen says:

    I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and sending good vibes your way! Birth fears are totally normal, and given what you went through the first time, I don’t think a single person would feel any different in your situation. Just remember that every birth is different, so even if your first one was traumatizing and didn’t go as planned, that doesn’t mean this one will. Try not to worry too much and focus on the positives. You’re strong Mama, you’ve got this! Sounds like you have an awesome supportive hubby as well. I wish you both the best!

  18. Mare says:

    You got this! Sending good vibes and positive energy your way!

  19. Janis Rien says:

    😢😢😢Thank you for sharing your brave, scary, and amazing story when Bowie was born. So many prayers are with you. God Bless. 🙏❤️🎚

  20. Lynsey says:

    I just wanted to say I thought this was a super honest thing to write and thank you for sharing your feelings. I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant with my second and super scared of birth (back to back last time). I’ve also gotten upset about it quite a few times and have elected for a csection which (I know having had major surgery previously is no easy option). However I feel like it would give me more control this time. Last time I wasnt listened to about pain relief etc and felt like I had a traumatic experience. You are obviously a super brave person because you are sharing your experience and feelings about next time and I have to say I dont see a lot of women doing this much. There is a tendency for everyone to take a ‘well the baby is in there and it has to come out attitude’. So I feel like people like you, with a platform, sharing your experience and feelings is super important. So I just wanted to thank you for that. I hope you have a much better experience this time. I’m sure you will and it sounds like you have put everything you can in place for that to happen. All the best to you and your family. Lynsey 

  21. Gemma Cowan says:

    I have just had my second c-section. Tried for a VBAC but it didn’t work out and I ended up having to have another c-section but the recovery this time around has been much better. I too have a toddler at home so was worried about how I would cope but I’m pleased to say I have defo found the recovery so much easier and better second time around. I also had a Mum and Mother in law here to help me which was a god send. Wishing you all the best. Hopefully you’ll have a speedy recovery second time around too.

  22. Erin Campbell says:

    Crying as I read this. Sounds similar to my first birth as well. Thinking about having another one but am so scared of what could happen. Sending so much love and light your way. 💚

  23. Kimi says:

    Aww beautifully written🥲 One strong mama. Sending loads of love❤️

  24. Katrina says:

    I cried while reading this. What a scary experience for you and your husband. I am wishing and hoping for a completely different birth experience this time around – that it all is positive, that it goes smoothly, that the trauma stays at bay.

  25. Kate says:

    You are a strong, badass momma. You’ve got this.
    Thank you for sharing, and for your honesty and vulnerability! Having a baby is scary-you’re doing what you (and your doc) feels is best for you and that’s amazing.

  26. Page says:

    I relate to this so much. Just had our second baby 5 days ago. Had an emergency cesarean the first time and an elected this time. Wishing you the absolute best and will be thinking of you.

  27. Stephanie says:

    I had a tough first time experience that ended in a c-section I did not want. I want to tell you, it’s better the second time around. My first experience flooded back to me, as yours did, when I was approaching giving birth to my second. Because I sort of knew what to expect (and also because the things that went on first time, likely won’t again, I was prepared…..well as prepared as anyone could be I guess. Point is- you’re ready and it will be better this time. I am confident in this. I hope my confidence helps you, even in some small way.

  28. Jen E says:

    Goodness, girl, I feel you! I had a very similar situation happen with my first. Planned for a home birth, but I failed to dilate past 6cm and I had a “premature urge to push” which was absolutely excruciating and I thought I was going to keel over and die every contraction. Got to the hospital and had an epidural which stopped the urge but then I laid around all day and still no progress. Finally they said my baby was starting to enter a state of distress and we needed a c-section. I opted for a complete spinal and I had an adverse reaction – it travelled up to my brain stem and I stopped breathing 😐 told the nurses, who told the doctor.. my husband was about to come in and I told my midwife not to let him come in and see what was happening (he would lose his mind). It felt like forever that I was not breathing and finally I heard my baby cry then I passed out. They had to intubate me and I woke up in ICU two hours later, crying and shaking. They brought me my baby girl and I nursed her for the first time just bawling the entire time. My mother and husband stayed up all night feeding her formula with a syringe. It was a horrible experience. I didn’t think I could ever go through another birth again. But my second came into the world the exact same way – water broke in the morning, laboured all day with epidural, no progress past 6cm, time for c-section, epidural didn’t take so I was put under for the surgery. Woke up 45 minutes later so happy to meet my second baby girl! The second time around was way better because I knew what to expect. The epidural did travel too far up my body but the nurses were on top of it and brought it back down. Bringing babies into the world is so scary, but always so worth it! You got this Mama! <3

  29. Angela says:

    I had a traumatic first delivery experience and opted for a scheduled c/s for my second. It was a much better experience. It was a calmer, I kind of knew what to expect and it wasn’t this drawn out terrifying experience of unknowns. I think your making the right decision going for another c/s. You will be more awake and alert afterwards. It bothers me so much that after my first, I have chunks of time I don’t remember. I guess all that matters is that our babies are safe. Much love and well wishes for you!

  30. Kat Hulis says:

    Shanae, first- thank you for sharing your emotions openly and staying on your ground. 👏🏼👏🏼
    Next, as a mama of a 5 yo and someone that caved in to fear and not having a second baby, I feel your anxiety and ALL the feels. I’m sending you with all my heart and mental well-being (questionable cuz I’m an anxiety and control freak) – the strength and blessings to have a wonderful birth and speedy recovery. Prayers will be said and maybe a loud crazy dance so all bad energy goes away since you can’t right now.
    Xoxo
    Kat

  31. Megan Dijkman says:

    Proud of you for sharing this vulnerable and raw birth story Shenae. Wishing you luck over the next few days!! Love you so much!

  32. Hilary says:

    Sending lots of love and virtual hugs. I had a somewhat similar experience with my first. My body didn’t swell but my son’s head was in a titled up position and he got stuck essentially. A traumatic emergency c-section followed where I thought both me and my baby might die. I’ve since had a second c-section (planned), and am now pregnant with my third baby which will also be a planned c-section. I am not a suitable candidate for a VBAC because my incision tore on my first one, so the risk of rupture is too high. I’m scared about going in for a third, even though my second one went off without a hitch. Honestly, a planned c-section is a totally different ball game to an emergency. Deep breaths, and voice your fears to the hospital staff taking care of you. If they know, they will be able to calm you and look after you better. You’ve got this. There are some great books out there about healing from traumatic births also. Could be worth looking into when you feel ready. Birth trauma is real and can last for many years. One book I read was ‘How to Heal a Bad Birth’. xoxo

  33. EJ says:

    Since becoming a parent, I have found myself gravitating towards stories similar to mine. It makes me feel less alone, because for a short time after my first was born, I felt so isolated in both my experience and parenthood.

    My daughter was born via emergency C-section after my failure to progress 12 hours into labour. She was found to have the cord wrapped around her neck, preventing her from getting further down into the canal. I asked for a chance to try VBAC with my son two years later and two weeks before he was due, I experienced intense pain and my uterus scar was giving way, so they booked me in for a C-section three days later. It was bitterly disappointing and while I’ll never know what could have been or what might have happened had I gone into labour, I am grateful AF for my two healthy kids and for being here with them. Life most certainly doesn’t go as planned and there has been a lot of trauma and disappointment and weird sense of shame about my body not doing what I thought it was supposed to do, but five years down the track and I can say, with the more I hear and connect with others who had travelled similar paths, it gets better, there is healing and there is always so much more to love. Wishing you the best.

  34. Shannon MacIsaac says:

    Wow, this was very powerful to read. I feel like so many peoples birth experiences go against what they expect (especially the first time) but no one is truly open about it, so you just assume it’ll go according to plan. Thank you for being honest. My sister had a very scary emergency c-section for her first, & a planned for her second, & I know planning it definitely meant her healing was easier on her, & she had a much easier time with connecting with the baby & nursing & other things, so hopefully the ease of planning it leads to an easier recovery for you to! Sending you healthy safe labour vibes! 💗

  35. Randi says:

    Beautiful! Please, please, take as much time off as you need! I had two vaginal births, but I know many friends who had to have an emergency C-section, followed by a planned one, and they all said the planned one was much smoother! So here’s hoping your experience this time is great! Hang in there. Thank you to sharing!

  36. Jannie Fannie says:

    Your Amazing and you got this!!I also planned for a natural childbirth, ended up surprised as well with a c-section and like you i had only ever had wisdom teeth removed never any other type of surgery. I also had a C-section with my 2nd child. Sending you Love, Peace and Strength!! I am Woman hear me Roar you got this💪🏼

  37. Shannon says:

    You are justified in being scared that was not an easy delivery. I’m sure this time you’ll be shocked at how easy it is going to be. You’re doing the right thing by making it safe for you and baby boy. Can’t wait to read about the happy arrival.

  38. Meg says:

    How absolutely terrifying for you both. I had an emergency c-section with our first and when we had our second I opted for a c-section as well. My poor husband was so traumatized from the birth of our first that I knew if we ended up in a similar situation again, it would have broken him. Luckily, we got to have what they call a gentle c-section with our second – she was put on my chest right away & never left my side (& still hasn’t, lol). In a lot of ways, it was healing for both of us, thank goodness. Crossing my fingers & toes it’s the same for you. Sending you love & well wishes on an easy delivery – you’ve got this!

  39. Meagan says:

    Wow! Reading this I was in tears…this was my worst nightmare right down to you saying you could feel that. Birthing tiny humans is not easy no matter the plan we have in our heads. Sharing this on social media shows celebrities are people too. You are braver then you know, and stronger then most people I follow on social media. I love watching your family maybe because my husband is also English and moved here at 13yrs old. Yes you are scared and while we as individuals try and shy away from fear. Be present in your fear and find a way that is healthy for you and your family. Set backs suck always but when we can say the come back is better then the set back thats what sets us apart and makes our family that much stronger.

  40. Shannon Quigley says:

    I naively went into my c-section excited, and now you scared the shit out of me! Everything will be ok! You’ve got this!

  41. Dorene Humphries says:

    Wow! Prayers to you and your family!

    Criscollrj.com

  42. Casey says:

    You. Are. Incredible.

  43. Elizabeth Maxman says:

    No one has any right to tell you what’s best for you when it comes to your health. YOU are the one in control and the only one who can make the best decision not only for yourself, but for the life you’re bringing into the world. I can’t imagine people hating on you for that!!

  44. Angelia Miclat says:

    Thank you so much for posting this! I had just about the same experience with you, there was a complication that occurred while I was in labor. My baby’s heart rate was dropping fast, so they rushed me to the OR for an emergency c-section. When they were ready to cut I screamed that I can feel it. I just remembered telling my husband that it was just too hard to breath and I just needed a break. Next thing I remember I woke up to the nurse in the recovery room placing my daughter in my arms. I’m expecting my second child and I’m getting very anxious on how this birth will go. Your not alone!

  45. jess says:

    i love that you shared your story. birth seems to be traumatic for all of us in our own ways. i also had an emergency c-section, but my trauma showed up 10 days later (unrelated to the c-section). 3 years later, i look back on it as a beautiful story. my daughter is a miracle and it shows through her personality every day. every piece of stress we go through as moms is worth it to see the spark in our children. it fills me with joy. you are strong, we are all strong, you can do this!

  46. Eleonora Giovine says:

    You are the baddest chick on all of Instagram , you got this more than anyone❤️ Just keep the energy positive and all that is good will follow

  47. Alison says:

    I also too had a traumatic first birth. First I was overdue and had to be induced was admitted to hospital on a Thursday and I had to have an emergency c-section on the Sunday (15 days overdue)as I had been in labour too long and not progressing, my son got distressed and opened his bowel, he inhaled some of it. When he arrived they had to make sure he was breathing even had to give him oxygen, looked liked they were resuscitating him, he was then rushed to special baby care, my husband had to leave me to be stitched up so I was so scared being alone. We spent Xmas in hospital and he had five days of antibiotics. When I had my second I was worried that I would have the same issues, but he arrived two weeks early and I had a smooth vaginal birth. It’s ok to be scared but you’ve got this mamma! Sending lots of love from the UK 🇬🇧 you’ll rock this! 😘🥰 thank you for sharing your story you’re an inspiration 😘

  48. Laura Robinson says:

    Well it sucks you had such a bad first c-section experience. I can tell you from my own that when they are scheduled it is completely different. No rush, the doctors and nurses are prepared, and you go in into a safe environment. I had three and I can honestly tell you it was the best decision for us, bit what I wanted but definitely what we needed.

    You are going to do great and rock this. Don’t know you but from reading this post I can tell you have the strength in you to do anything.

    Best of luck on the birth of your baby but I know you wont need it, you will do amazing!

  49. Katy Britton says:

    I’m 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby, a boy, and he’s got some health issues-a hole in his heart and an enlarged kidney. Not to mention he’s already measuring at 8lbs3oz! I have not dilated or made any sort of progress, so my doctor is planning on inducing me in a week. She said she would give me that night to see if anything softens, so that I could have a chance to have a vaginal birth, but that if things haven’t processed then we would go straight to a c section. I’m trying to hard to mentally prepare, but it’s such a scary thing. Learning your story and just being such a big fan of yours, I’m feeling much more confident in what’s to come. We got this mama! Thank you for sharing your journey, as I truly feel like it’s helping me get through mine! 🖤

  50. nurse frank says:

    i am sorry you are scared. tell your nurses you are scared. ask for comfort. they will help. and planned c sections go much more smoothly, much more control. no rush to get the baby out, no ‘tearing’. it will be better.

  51. Al says:

    Like you, I am expecting my second child. Like you, I had a c-section with my first. I also had a birth plan, I had TWO doulas, I prepared special candles, music, aromatherapy. But my daughter didn’t want to leave me. I never went into labor, and somehow the hospital couldn’t induce it. Then they lost patience with me – I was past my due date. I am also harboring anger, trauma, fear. Thank you for writing your thoughts down, your fears comfort me and will keep me company till due date #2.

  52. Kath says:

    What a beautiful & honest post. As someone who deals with fear/anxiety/ocd almost every hour of ever day. I felt this deeply. I had a traumatic vaginal birth with tons of blood loss and scary moments of am I going to make it. I completely understand this trauma. You are incredibly strong, incredibly brave & we are all holding you in our healing/loving energy for this birth.
    You got this. Your community is with you 💗

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Shenae Grimes-Beech

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Since Bowie was born I've been more motivated than ever to show up as the best version of me and also share the experiences of those who have a new perspective to share that could make us all better people. So with that, here's a space for you to learn, explore, and sit beside me as I navigate this world through this new lens. 

Content Creator. Mama to Bowie. Wife to Josh. Straight Talker. DIY'er. You may also know me from my roles in 90210 and Degrassi. 

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